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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
OK. If you`re so smart, what`s the answer to this question?
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”