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Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
lifes a laugh, start living it!
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.