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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?