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How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
As it turns out, I’m not an afternoon person either.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.