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Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
I`m done with tucking in shirts. Too many people complaining I`m invading their "personal space." LOL
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.