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Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
Just because someone`s richer or more famous or talented doesn`t mean they`re happy. It just means they`re happier than YOU.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!