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Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Ride me like you stole me.
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie