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"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.