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The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
I have Beer.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.