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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.