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Vodka is just amazing water.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
Did you hear about the Cannibal that "passed" his Uncle in the Jungle?...............
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
my mom and I have so much in common..she doesn`t listen and niether do I :p
My house has really let itself go.
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.