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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
It needs more cowbell!!