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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!