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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that Iām right.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
who`s smart idea wus it to name a monkey Donkey Kong??
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.