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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.