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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.