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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.