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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
Damn…I’m having an out of money experience.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.