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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.