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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.