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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.