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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
I heard recently on the radio that, "If a man looks at womens breasts for 10 mins a day he will add 5 years to his life".. Can anyone confirm this?!! If so what are we waiting for?
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss