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Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
Are you one of those people that get hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your a$$ off of Facebook.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.