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I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"