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A lot of people don`t realise that Shania Twain`s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.