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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision!
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.