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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."