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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
The less you know, the more you think you do.