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If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this week
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.