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I`m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought "Hogwarts" was an STD
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.