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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.