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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
Gym update: not there
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"