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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.
Please: No,No.No-More about how you think relationships should be: we`ve got it , Your Single,,- get off facebook and go take your own expert advise...
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.