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FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.