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My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
about love
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.