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Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
To-Do List: Nothing [?]
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.