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I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
The word bed looks like a bed.
Guess what I saw today ... Everything I looked at. ;)
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.