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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
You think Iām mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.