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If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. Iām thinking about getting her a treadmill.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem