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Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since `pro` is the opposite of `con` we should call it prosti..... oh wait.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.