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I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.