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Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman`s ability to find a reason to post a selfie.
Which wine goes best with more wine?
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?