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I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.