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Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.