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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.