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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.