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Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.