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I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Yes I am a bad boy ... But your the one that`s going to get spanked.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
Iwent to Office Max to buy a drawing board, but they were sold out. I guess it`s back to the....oh rats...
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.