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I put the o in illiterate!
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!