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Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
lifes a laugh, start living it!
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(