Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie