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Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Keep calm and drink on.
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...