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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
Ways to die: Steal my food.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.